at 2am....

I will die for....
-ba chor mee, mee kia gan zhu you zha duo duo
-green tea tang yuan
-prata kosong and banana prata
-my burdensome mushroooommmm

:)

tired. my shoulder is breaking. My mum wants me to be nun. For one failed r/s. So I'm not supposed to date any guy. Every guy they'll find ways to condemn to bring the past in. WTF. STFU.

Hi mommy

I redd this at a blog.. It just made me teared, teared and teared...

Hi, Mommy. I’m your baby. You don’t know me yet, I’m only a few weeks old. You’re going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I’ve got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don’t have it yet, but I will when I’m born. I’m going to be your only child, and you’ll call me your one and only. I’m going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We’ll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.

You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn’t wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already.

Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! …He wasn’t happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don’t think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don’t think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay… but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That’s a sound I don’t like. It doesn’t make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I’m not sure if I do. It wasn’t right. You say he loves you… why would he hurt you? I don’t like it, Mommy.

Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you’re so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I’m happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.

I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy.

Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn’t talking right. He said he didn’t want you. I don’t know why, but that’s what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won’t let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don’t care if you think that he is a good person, I think he’s bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn’t want us. He doesn’t like me. Why doesn’t he like me, Mommy?

You didn’t talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?

It’s been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven’t talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don’t you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don’t you do that when you’re awake, any more?

I’m 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren’t you proud of me? We’re going somewhere today, and it’s somewhere new. I’m excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you’re as excited as I am. I can’t wait.

…Mommy, I’m getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don’t know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something’s going to happen soon. I’m really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love you!

Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!

Don’t worry Mommy, I’m safe. I’m in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did, and they said it’s called an abortion.

Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don’t you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I’m really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don’t you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn’t I love you enough? Please say you’ll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don’t want to be here, I want you to love me again! I’m really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you!


I love you, Mommy.

Every abortion is just…

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

the super lazy

The super lazy does not go down to buy food when hungry. She finds packet maggi mee dump everything in a bowl. add water and cook it in a microwave under high speed for 4 mins. meal is done! don't even have to wash any pot! :) wahaha

because it takes two to whisper...

In 3 hours. I ate 8 fishball, one chicken wing and ice cream. Stomach not feeling too good now ehh...

Woke up not so early for Bird Park trip today. With family and po po. Seriously, bird park is damn boring! nothing much. all birds. ya wad do ya expect.

Do you feel so tired sometimes. That you just wanna stay where you are and not move at all. That things are mentally draining you. guessing game??

Dear boy, I love the way you smile like a silly mushroom. I enjoy taking long walks with you looking at pretty girls and cute guys(hehe). I enjoy sitting by the river having htht with you. I miss the moment lying at the grass patch under the stars with the water sprinklers on. I wanna watch more korean variety show and laugh super loud! I wanna MJMJMJ and win your money. I wanna play pool with you till I clear your table. IMY.

Getaway to PHUKET tmr! Seems just like yst Kim and I was planning for this trip :)

Burden showed up outside my house this morning with Mac's breakfast, Home made Milo in a bottle and BANANA PRATA!! hahahahah stupid secretive fellow. "give me 5 mins 5 mins!, don't go back sleep" Thanks burden for your surprise breakfast! so touched :))

Anw, had submitted my online application for SPF yst night. Got to be selected first before going for the interview... have no idea how long the wait is gonna be... arghs, hopefully I get in.

it makes a diff if you put in effort or NOT

1 more day to Phuket :) Gonna miss my BURDEN. Can I pack you in my luggage and come with me?

This is a super tiring week. but FUN. stayed over at Kim's chalet. The bungalow was awesome!! one house full of young ppl. all MJ siao. MJ MJ MJ and MJ! sleep at 7am,9am wake up for MJ. TSK dunno who's that MJ siao. Play till brain damaged alr.

gonna be away till sat night :((

COUNTDOWN 12 more days to PHUKET! WHHEEE~

Aeroplane, sun tanning, party time!

TSK. My nose is killing me. Feeling unwell. Was busy preparing dinner, when I came out of the kitchen. It seemed as though my whole house got struck by tornado. My 2 year old just took charge of my house!

You haven't recieved your retribution, it's only just the beginning. One will have to answer for his own actions and face up to the consequences. Mark my word, I can bring you up to the skies to the heaven, I can also drop you down to the very last level of hell.

lying after lying you're still a liar-holic~

BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT THING.

I wonder what is in your blood, in your dirty filthy bloody brain. To come out with sick ideas and creating stupid stories- by portraying an image that you are well sought after by girls and gays. get a life seriously. I really can't be bothered to play these kinda games with you. nice try. period.

Just read a book called "This is my story" by Kasandra Kong. A super nice book based on the true life account of a 18 year old Singapore girl. I see my story in it. How can the scenes, the words, the thinking of both parties be so similar. The pain of mentality, physically and emotionally. I read the book with my heart, not my eyes. Brings back all the past and memories. suddenly everything seems so familiar.

"Is your decision made written on sand or cement? Only the test of time and situation will show it all. When the waves break the shore, what's on the sand will be gone with it. Once cement turns concrete, it stays regardless rain or shine."

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can. Begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. How to get whatever you want- do whatever it takes! Everyone achieves in life, makes decisions to do so. The mountain climber who conquer Mt. Everest is the one who says ' I WILL DO IT' those who proclaim. 'i'll give it my best shot', or 'i'll have a go' or 'i'll try' will likely come home early. You will need inner strength on day to day, min to min basis if your want to be able to fulfill your commitment to the standards set by your sense of purpose. You will be faced with a persistent temptation to compromise your values.

Smile be happy. Compare to the worthless guy, I have a gem with me- my child, that I'm so proud of. Happiness comes from within. Find anything that is good. Smile at anything even ppl think you're stupid. For those who only know how to criticise fail to be happy and contented."

Thanks friend.

June hols suck big time! Waking up every morning feeling like a walking zombie. Once step into the school, feel like going home to sleep alr! I'm so so glad that it's ending in 2 days! ENDURE for 2 more days!

I'm officially sick..Down with cold and sore throat..Feeling like argh.. and Shayenne is not giving the family any slack or any peace moments! My maid is not coming back...which added more stress to the ppl in the house...mentally and physically draining.everything.

once you lose it, you lose it forever

OMG I'm so tired. Slept at 8pm and woke up at 10 cause I was so hungry! Ate biscuit dip dip fresh milk :))

I'm still not use to waking up in the early morning. Wake up at 6.30 prepare myself and Shayennne for school. Went for excursion today at East Coast Park Lilliputt Indoor mini golf...Because there were other branches children, the whole place was with crazy children! Had to shout and scold and really vomit blood.

Had games along the ECP hut..and I got shouted at by one Indian for the kids kicking the sand around. like WTF.. right in my face. Apparently he was a homeless guy carrying his pillow around, drinking bourbon coke in the bottle and smoking some handmade cigarette. Children will always be children what..go crazy at the beach.

It was so boring at the indoor golf..and freezing cold! Air con machiam free. The children had 2 hours session. They were all like sweeping the golf ball with the putter. Some swinging it around, most of the children JUST ANYHOW WHACK and my feet got hit by one flying ball, pain! happily, one of my primary 1's got hit by the putter and bled..Had a hard time overseeing the kids and controlling them. WILD!

cannot take it alr. I'll faint by the time sch hols end...and MY MAID!! I MISS YOU! 13 June faster come pls!!

1st June onwards..I must be happy..I'm happy, I am happy, I must be happy! Happy happy post, happy happy day!! :))

CMI alr...slept at 5.30am yst watching 2012..nice show!

Fly kite today! No wind at all..didn't know fly kite must run and run and run so much! and the field is so big. my arms have no energy now alr...

Not feeling well now..having headache and my nose is killing me. argh, pissing me off!

Didn't manage to wake up early this morning. Cause I was talking to somebody on the phone till 4.30am eating my ba chor mee! Rushed and hurried Shayenne to the childcare. Managed to say goodbye to my maid before she leave 3 weeks for Sri Lanka. The childcare's so cool! It's inside a condo and right beside the baby pool! Saw a red Ferrari at the car park, cool!! Don't really like the childcare..but heck, it's gonna be for a month only.

School is getting so relax so free and easy. Everyday do word search, print assessment, mark, tea break, eat and go home :))

I'm so not gonna survive June. Firstly, my maid is going back to her country for 3 weeks! Being the only daughter in the house and my mum body is not very good, I have to undertake the maid-in-house chores!!

School holidays are also in June. Which means I got to work from 8am-7pm. My parents are working also. Transport for Shayenne is gonna be a big problem cause nobody can pick her up! Got to arrange a childcare that can transport her from Punggol in the morning and send her to my school at evening cause I'm working till 7pm! and if Shayenne fall sick, it's gonna be a bigger problem!

Everyday at work, I'll see the kids parent picking their child up, either mum or dad or both will come together. Shayenne will only have her mum to pick her up, or rather, her mum can't even pick her up from school cause she'll be transported. I'll just stand there and admire the children whose parent come to pick them up. The way they hug their parent and call them mummy or daddy. Single mum is never easy ..even with the support from family and friends, it's still very, very hard...

I have exactly 15 mins to blog cause my internet security gonna stop at 2am!

School's super slack! Watched Ratatouille yst and Avatar today :) Rush and rush after work today. Didn't manage to eat my dinner and I was starving through out the tuition class.

Gonna be a very busy JUNE!! I have activities packed! So many 21st Birthdays and IJ gathering! The children would be going for golf and beach outing! Plus bowling and watching Toy story 3 at some cinema! whohohoo and teachers go for free :))

GIVE ME BANANA PRATA OR I WILL BURN YOUR PRATA SHOP DOWN!

OKAY! I slept at 4 and woke up at 10.30am today! I dreamt that I was taking aeroplane to Brunei with Yiying and our Npcc juniors. Then, I was munching down half a loaf of bread which tasted so delicious in the dream! Then I suddenly rmb that I was becoming fat, so I woke up immediately.

Work was quite slack yst, watched disney and looney tune cartoon, played boogle. My job allows me to play word games everyday? Hmmm.. Shall not blog what happened yst, a series of unfortunate events starting from the moment I started work.

Sometimes the running road gets too long and you become weary. People from everywhere knocks you down, some helps you, but it does more harm than good. I'm running a marathon that has no finishing line. I don't even know if I'm on the running track or not. Just keep running blindly hoping it'll take me somewhere?? I can't go back to the starting point, I can't see the ending point. I'm stucked, so stucked...

Indifference

Today was the best day of work. For the whole day, the children and I watched Tom and Jerry, Spongebob Squarepants and movies. With the projector and sound system, the classroom almost turn into a cinema. Didn't know doing nothing also can be tiring cause there's nothing to do.

I hate going to school's toilet! It's always so spacious, empty and quiet...and..I'm scared! scared of ghost..LOL.

It's a friday and I'm home early after tuition!

Finally, I got a chance to draw some money from my bank. Pay day is SO LATE! wtf. Yays! Finally bought my coloured contacts :)) Got my french mani done at Punggol Interchange. Will continue to get my nails done there! cause it's like super near my house and I can get my nails done again if it's ruin. After one session of manicure I am friends with the lady working there alr.

My weekends are...makes me look like an emo potato.